Hey there headbandits.
This is a more serious post. I guess. I dated three guys in 2015. The one was my serious boyfriend (ha or serious to me) that I write about quite a bit. The other was just a week long fling (more on that later) and the third was about a month and a half-two months, I think.
I’m kind of sad about it but sometimes people aren’t ready or the timing is off or maybe they weren’t right for me in the first place.
So I wasn’t even going to go out with him in the first place but then I was just like, what the heck. I’m glad I did because we really hit it off. He was just chill,goofy, and fun to be around. Like me. I really liked how goofy he was. He was sweet too and could cook. I could tell he was raised like me. Our first date was ice skating. It was so fun and he could skate. Ice skating is one of my favorite things to do and it’s hard to find a guy who will do it. He liked tennis like me too and yeah we hung out quite a bit for a week. One of his favorite movies is Wimbledon and I love that movie too, so we watched that. “Love means nothing in tennis. It only means you lose.”-from the movie. It confuses me for sure but I think in life love means you win.
We seemed to be getting along and maybe it was too much at first for him but then he freaked and said he couldn’t do this and how I didn’t want to be with him because he was too emotional and blah blah blah. Had stuff going on,stuff to work on. I don’t know, it made me mad more than anything because I just thought it was a bunch of excuses. If something is working, I say go for it. Being with someone is always a risk and I’m willing to take the risk to see if it works. If you don’t, you’re holding yourself back, I think anyways. So then I was just like, “ok. just forget about me then.”
I didn’t mean it literally. It’s from a song-“Let it Go” by James Bay. I guess he took it literally. He deleted me off facebook and wouldn’t take my calls. Come to find out later, he blocked my number.
It bothered me because I just thought he was scared and running. I needed to see him again and talk to him, so I wrote him a letter. It was nice and sweet. I didn’t think he’d answer it honestly. I thought he’d throw it. I was basically like, “hey don’t be scared. Stuff happens. I’m not perfect either. I want to be there for you.”
Well he answered it via facebook. He messaged me on Christmas. It was cute really. We hung out on Christmas night and it was good to see him. He said he blocked me because I told him to forget about him. Ok, fair enough, I thought. Makes sense.
When someone tells you who they are the first time, believe them.
Then some weird stuff happened on New Years Eve and the day after. He pulled away again and said sorry again. I forgave him.
We hung out for a week and had a good week, I thought. I was sick and he took care of me. We got into “Breaking Bad.” That show is so insane.
Then I had a dream that had him in it. It was weird haha and had us doing illegal activities lol but the basis of it was that he was running away again. In real life, I wondered if it had any merit to it. I asked someone who studied psychology and she said sometimes dreams are what are subconscious knows to be true but our conscious doesn’t want to admit it.
I guess I always knew he’d run off again. When you’re so that back and fourth, it’s bound to happen again. I guess I knew there was always a time limit with us. I was ready, he wasn’t. I didn’t want to admit it though. I guess I believe in him more than he believes in himself.
The last time he left got pretty ugly. He said some hurtful things to me. He used something that is very personal to me against me. It was such a low blow. I guess he’s just acting out but it’s no excuse. It hurts so much just because I know he’s better than that and I know he was raised better. He’s a child though right now. I’m an adult. It hurts to because he supposedly has been hurt a lot in the past; he knows better. He shouldn’t treat someone like that. No one should.
As much as I like him and care about him, I can’t do it. Not if he keeps pushing me away and doesn’t want someone who is caring.
Did I take it personally though?….No. A year ago I would have. But I know much more this time around and I know when people act like that it’s not about me. It’s about the issues they have with themselves. It does not excuse the behavior, but I know I did nothing wrong and treated him so well. It’s on him now and his conscious.
Do I want to be with him?…Yeah. It hurts.
Is he the one for me?…No. Not with that attitude.
The whole thing was like a rom com honestly.
The thing is I know who I am and I am confident. I will not let someone speak to me that way and I hope he learns that he can’t treat people like that. It’s disgusting.
Would I ever be with him?….Who knows. Maybe he grows up in a few years. But I’m not waiting around and honestly I can forgive him but it’s hard to forget. The damage is already done.
Still it’s hard when you see a spark between someone but they don’t believe in themselves enough. But it’s not the right time, place, or even the person for me.
Growing up is hard. But fun. I learn so much about myself through other people and the experiences I have.
I know I’ve been hurt before, but I’m not letting it stop me try again for love or whatever.