Hope you had a fun and safe Halloween.
I’m still working on that big outfit catch up post. I know I keep saying that. I will get to it eventually.
I wrote about my ex a few weeks ago and I’m going to write about it again. I haven’t dated a lot to be honest. My ex was pretty much my first boyfriend and somehow it morphed into a serious relationship. We only dated 3 months but we were friends for 3 months before that, so it felt like a lot longer. I guess technically we weren’t ever official, but I mean more or less he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend. We both weren’t really planning on a relationship but I don’t know, somehow it just morphed into something serious and quick. It just snowballed and got away from us. We were complete opposites. He was 5 years older than me. I mean when you think about it,5 years doesn’t seem like that much, but as the relationship got deeper and deeper I could feel the gap drifting farther apart. 5 years seemed like so much. We were just raised totally different, had totally different views/values, lived totally different lives and I think that’s part of the allure that drew us closer at first. I was lightness to his darkness. He used to say that a lot in the beginning and I didn’t get the weight of what it actually meant and the almost horror of it until I was too far in. In the moment, I guess it was great, passionate, but it was also super messy and chaotic. Dangerous. It’s like we both knew it was doomed from the start and we were running out of time and that almost seemed to draw us closer together. I didn’t know he was wrong for me at the beginning. I’ll be honest, I was a great influence on him. I added to his life, but he wasn’t able to do that for me. I think he knew he was wrong for me just because of his past and his issues,but he used it as almost leverage to draw me close to him. He knew it would run out of time, but he wanted to make the most of what we had. I fell for it of course because in the heat of the moment it feels good and whenever you feel like you’re running out of time, it adds an almost urgency to it like it would never happen again if it weren’t for certain circumstances.
I’m just going to be blunt. We work together, so that is also what is making it super difficult for me. I mean, it’s different divisions, but we still see each other here and there and have almost the exact same schedule.It’s not my greatest decision, but I would say I’m an optimist and didn’t think it would end badly or end at all. I didn’t think of the consequences. It was almost a bubble because I know if I met him somewhere else and at another time, I would not date him. Looking back, in a way, and I would not have said this a few months ago, it’s kind of beautiful. Like I went though a lot of hurt and heartache when it blew up and the after math, but that special moment and time when two very different people bonded is kind of cool. Even though it didn’t work out, I know we both cared about each other and I think it’s kind of beautiful that those version of ourselves,me and him, will always exist in the universe. I just didn’t know that afterwards it would be all or nothing. Like we can never go back to just how it used to be, like friendly co-workers, because too much has happened between us. That’s been the hardest thing to get over for me. He talked to me last week just about work stuff. I was surprised. I hadn’t heard him say my name is so long. It’s like the whole breakup and what not and all the memories have been floating around in my head since then and then once he said my name it brought me back to the present, to the now, like everything shattered.
I thought I was ready to talk to him. I did a few times this week. I was wrong. So very wrong. That’s why I have just been avoiding him because I know I can’t go there again. We kind of flirted like we used to. I felt totally different though. I felt nothing really. No excitement. No wonder. I just felt kind of disgusting and like a backslider. Disgust. That’s the word for sure. I felt disgusted talking to him. Like that’s really apart of my past I don’t want to go back to and in that moment, I felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards. I told him I missed talking to him sometimes. It’s true. I do. I asked if he missed me. He thought about it a long time and said, “yeah…sometimes. I just don’t want people’s feelings to get hurt.” He was talking about me. It was a little too late for that. I don’t even know if he meant it, but he is not a good influence for me so I don’t really care. He’s the one that lost out. Not me. I really did win getting away from him. I walked away from him. He yelled after me, “you can call me.” I told him I lost his number which actually I deleted it. He said he would text me. I said we should hang out. In that moment, I knew we’d do neither.
I’m going to be honest, for a long time I wanted nothing to do with him and I’ve been doing so good that I haven’t even thought of him in forever. It got screwed up when he talked to me. I mean it was nothing, but when you have a history like we do, it’s hard. At least, it’s hard for me. This week, even today like up until a few hours ago, I thought I might want to revisit something with him. I really wanted his phone number back haha! Not a relationship that’s for sure, but something in which I could feel that bond we used to have. That closeness. That spark we once had. The truth is though, it can and never will be the same. I actually only realized this because my friend Sarah pointed it out to me. I’m so glad she brought me back to reality. You really can’t romanticize things like I said in my “Clean” post. It’s very hard for me though.
But it’s okay and I think in a way, it was good I talked to him. It showed me that I have moved on and I don’t feel for him like I used to. It showed me I’m different and grown up. I’ve learned so much since 6 months ago. I don’t think I will be talking to him anytime soon though. I can’t. I honestly would not have been saying this like two months ago, but in a way, I’m kind of glad it happened. I’ve grown so much through all the hurt and heartache. Even though my friends think he’s totally trash, to me and maybe this is my downfall and that optimist side of me, but I see/saw a tiny flicker of greatness in him. It’s really tiny, but it’s there. I think he can become better and have a better life if he really works at it, but I think I believed in him more than he believed in himself. I kept that vision of who I know he can be over who he really is right now and that was my downfall. I guess I have this weird Holden Caulfield habit where I like to see the good in people, their innocence. I want to save them, but in reality you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves Still, in some weird way, I will always hold a special place in my heart for him. I really do hope that one day he can live the life he imagined. I know that I will, but he just has so many barriers to overcome it’s hard to say what will become of him.
Wow this felt really good write. Sarah encouraged me to write this and I’m glad I did. I never knew how hard relationships were. Even short ones can pack a hurricane of emotions and memories. They sure mess with you.